Our Store's New Procedure For Black Friday

We at RapaciousMart would like to wish you a happy holidays, and a wonderful shopping experience for the holidays.  Due to the fact that 157 people were killed in our stores through their own negligence at our last Black Friday sale, we will be instituting the following new procedures to control shopper traffic for the coming Black Friday.  We hope to make a better buying experience for everybody, and want to let you know that entering the front doors of our store constitutes acceptance of these conditions, our terms of service, and our newly revised privacy policy, the full text of which can be found in a random cave in France.  Please be assured that the savings you will experience will more than outweigh any brief inconvenience.

When you first enter our store, please don't be alarmed when one of our greeters puts you in a brief cheerful holiday detention.  If you have children, they will also be held for their own safety in our day care detention camp while you are enjoying your shopping experience.  Please instruct them to stay away from the barbed wire surrounding the perimeter as we cannot be responsible for any injuries they receive due to your failure to properly brief them on any information they would need to have to ensure their survival in these conditions.

During your cheerful holiday detention, your arms will be pinned behind your back for quality assurance.  First, your mouth will be filled with cotton and covered with duct tape to ensure a uniform and happy shopping experience.  Next, a black hood will be placed over your head and fastened at the neck to help with managing the traffic flow through the aisles.  You will receive an injection to enhance your involvement in shopping, and to decrease the terror that our staff psych-ops claim some may feel due to an rare adverse response to our holiday procedures. You will then be guided through the rows by one of our guiders.  Please be assured that the rumors that people are just being kicked down the aisles are absolutely untrue.  Our security personnel will create a human tunnel that your guiders will usher you through.

You will retain enough visual acuity to vaguely see the items you wish to purchase.  When you see the item you want, please make an audible grunt, and your guider will cheerfully place the item in a shopping basket.  You may continue to shop using these procedures.  When you are done shopping, please jump up and down briefly, and you will be guided to the register.  If your guider misinterpreted your grunt, and grabbed the wrong item, we will cheerfully apply our return policy for you.  Simply take a number, and our company's guarantee is that we will call your number within one week or you will be given store credit for the full purchase price of your item!

We at RapaciousMart would like to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year, and if you sue us, we will countersue you into oblivion! Mo Fo Ho!