New York (API) Today the wide-ranging recall of blinds due to issues with their cords potentially strangling small children was scrapped, and small children were recalled instead.
Kal Penn, who recently left the television show “House” to work for the Federal Government, gave this quote on behalf of the U. S. Department of Overprotective Safety Redundancy Issues: “If we are going to improve safety, we might as well recall these twitching little uncontrollable proto-people who are causing all these safety problems in the first place.”
Parents are requested to bring their defective young offspring into the closest Department of Overprotective Safety Redundancy office.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Congress Passes Bill To Raise Lieberman's Insurance Premiums
Washington (API) Today, in near record time, both houses of Congress passed identical bills that have the effect of raising Senator Joseph Lieberman's health insurance premiums to six million dollars a month. To avoid any potential problem with special legislation passed to affect just one person, the legislation was originally worded as affecting “any backstabbing Senator from Connecticut who ran for a major party's Vice-Presidential candidacy.” The legislation was later amended to remove the word “backstabbing,” because, in the words of an unidentified legislator, “Joe Lieberman is way too big a pussy to ever wield a blade.”
The Senate historian declared that the wording of the legislation effectively only applies to one living individual, Sen. Lieberman. His colleagues are already starting to refer to him as “The Six Million Dollar Man.” It turns out that he has alienated so many of his colleagues throughout the years he has served in Congress that nobody was willing to speak on the floor of either house in support of him.
The measure was said to have overwhelming support among all the members of Congress who have taken money from the insurance industry, and many are hoping this move will increase their political contributions even more. It was reported that insurance companies are “falling all over each other” to be the chosen company to collect the monthly premiums.
An unidentified source stated that when President Obama was asked if he would sign the bill, he chuckled, grinned widely, and said, “Hell, yea!”
The Senate historian declared that the wording of the legislation effectively only applies to one living individual, Sen. Lieberman. His colleagues are already starting to refer to him as “The Six Million Dollar Man.” It turns out that he has alienated so many of his colleagues throughout the years he has served in Congress that nobody was willing to speak on the floor of either house in support of him.
The measure was said to have overwhelming support among all the members of Congress who have taken money from the insurance industry, and many are hoping this move will increase their political contributions even more. It was reported that insurance companies are “falling all over each other” to be the chosen company to collect the monthly premiums.
An unidentified source stated that when President Obama was asked if he would sign the bill, he chuckled, grinned widely, and said, “Hell, yea!”
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