Brad The Impaler

Greetings Internet dating person! You have truly won the jackcup. You are lucky you!  So much!  I am wealthy beyond repair, as I am the King of Chicago. I also often show face in majestic movie scenes as "Brad Pit." If you have seen this "Brad Pit", you will know that I am also handsomer than hundred muskox smelling for old food to break the starvation. 

Unfortunately, I must ask you for twenty thousand dollars to unlock door to best restaurant in world when we meet to discuss mating. Key can only be crafted painfully from tusk of white rhino.  Please help make special night of many romantic collisions, because, alas, I left my wallet in Chechnya after Chicago coronation party.  Funds can be wired to bank in Uzbekistan, or my courier Boris can pick up cash money. I will pay you back with rainy torrent of millions upon millions of many dollars after restaurant door is opened, as I have gigantic amount of money in kitchen there.

Please, I only ask, no police this time. In the before time, brutal beating from perceived need about extracted justice and bloodlust was unwanted interference with repeatedful and fruitly mating appointment.  After that, for many days I could only make sweet love with myself or with cellmate.

I see you have stars in ears and shiny taste in mouth. I am happy to readily counteract your strongest night sweats like buffalo in tundra. But first we must have magic very much eating night in restaurant so twenty thousand dollars is of maximum importance.

I am sweating that my philosophy of love for you is very much good. Yes very much many times. Yes yes yes.  And more.  I look kindly forward to break your water of love.  We will have mystifying night, silky and clumpy like thick yak secretion beverage. We will move together as like one giant egg so to break the wind.

Now I, "Brad Pit", must share with you my face, as we are now pinned to that corner in relation boat.

Somebody sent picture of me with "Bruss Wilis."  This made me sad as walrus on metro train.  I see this picture of before time that was happy for me, and I want to cry like little boy peeling onion.

I do not like to be reminded of my before relation boat. It makes bad thinking, like vomit. Discovery of penis was bigger surprise than chocolate eggplant. Until penis was inside my face, I had thought he was little girl, but never mind, OK.  Much luck that it was only beginning of very, very long boat of relations.  But then later it had made sour after love long time, like Chechen wolf beans. And was before I had manly mustache face.

You may wonder, my sweet molasses navel, why I always write "Brad Pit", like it is strange and foreign and not me. It is because it is my cage name for big movie and telewizora productions, in exotic American celebrity cities like Howlywood, Cleveland, and New Jersey. It is our little secret that I am rich and famous beyond redemption.

So come make rich tasty strawberry love with me until the People's Carpathian Army drinks from the sheep intestines.  And do not make mistake of forgetting the twenty thousand dollars, because my courier Boris will become unkind all over everything in sight.