Bush Apologizes for Deceit During Presidency

Washington (API) Former President George W. Bush called an impromptu and unusual press conference combined with an open public gathering today on the National Mall to express his remorse and regret for what he called “manipulating the American people for eight years.” Mr. Bush, sporting a newly grown beard, shoulder-length hair, and his trademark Birkenstock sandals that he wore informally around the White House, announced that he had been in seclusion while experiencing a “religious transformation.”

Mr. Bush walked to the podium hand-in-hand with Green Party spokesperson April Pfulle-Jacques and surrounded by members of Greenpeace, the National Organization for Women, and the NAACP. He clasped the hands of those closest to him high in the air in triumph as he ascended to the stage. When he got to the speaker's platform, he humbly acknowledged the standing ovation given to him by the assembled masses and members of the press.

“I want to tell the American people that much of what I participated in during my tenure as president was a cynical manipulation of the electorate, and I have come to deeply regret it,” said Mr. Bush. “Sure, I said before that I had been born-again, but that's just because Karl and Dick told me it would get us more votes. Now I really see that it is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven.”

Mr. Bush acknowledged that he had spread “a lot of mistruth and distortion” during his years in the White House. “People actually wanted to impeach me,” said Mr. Bush. He pursed his lips, his eyes welling with tears, and exclaimed, “And they may have been justified.”

“We lied about Iraq,” explained the former president after a dramatic and emotional pause, his head hanging in sorrow. “We lied about the Patriot Act. We misled people on gay issues to drive a wedge between people and spread fear. We tried to drive out U.S. Attorneys who would not be bullied into towing the party line. We lied about torture and rendition and, worst of all, we lied about justice and truth.”

“I may be able to live with myself some day, but right now, all I can do is work to make it right.” Mr. Bush then went on to announce the formation of the “George W. Bush Freedom From Hunger and Homelessness Foundation,” and he pledged to work until his “dying days” to find enough funding for to end the dual plagues of low food security and housing instability within the borders of the United States.

“We will tap into all that money that, up until now, has been cynically used to manipulate people's opinions to win elections using scare tactics, and use that money to spread a blanket of security over the American people. And this time I mean real security, not just the siphoning of money into make-work, no-bid contracts,” Mr. Bush said.

“I really want the American people to finally trust my motives. I hope that each of you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and this time, I will try my best not to let you down.”

Mr. Bush then ended his speech by picking up a hammer and a tool belt, and saying he would personally work his fingers to the bone until every homeless person had a roof over his head. He also sheepishly grinned and indicated that he was working very hard to improve his vocabulary.

As he descended from the stage, an aide whispered in Mr. Bush's ear, "Sir, it's too late to be considered for the Nobel Prize." The ashen former president then furiously exclaimed, "Aw, screw it, then. I take it all back."