Blitzfracking?

Trying to think of a name for a fun little hobby. It's more stimulating that knitting, but not as wacko as reverse bungee-jumping. Here's how it works:

You begin by meandering around mid-city on your bicycle, taking in the beautiful scenery and colorful surroundings, thinking how wonderful it is to be alive in the good ol' USA (or Namibia, Kazakhstan, wherever the hell...). Anyway, in your state of blissful meander, you chance upon a live news broadcast. There's a perky cub reporter pulling in megabucks to plant her ass in a park somewhere and pretend to be a journalist. She is in the viewing frame of an expensive camera run by an underpaid camera guy. There's a huge, forced polyvinyl smile on her face while she gushes to some far-off anchor (who is doing a fabulous job pretending to understand what is going on around him) about how absolutely wonderful it is that business interests are shoving an apple tree up your ass yet again. She states the OBVIOUS about how spectacular it is for everybody when one has a large woody, fruit bearing perennial forcibly inserted up one's butt. Because, of course, if only everybody had an apple tree jammed up their posterior, businesses would prosper, industry would smile down on the people and, magically, everybody would have a job. Not to mention (with a *wink*) the dual possibilities of the end of all tyranny and the cure for all known disease.

Meanwhile, you manage to cease your lurid admiration of this hideous spectacle celebrating (the death of) the American way. Pedaling furiously, you swoop down and sidle up in a position directly behind the impossibly sunny correspondent, your mouth scant inches from her ear. Quickly, directly over her shoulder, you scream "FUCK!" (or any other highly objectionable utterance of your choosing) as loudly as you can. Fill your lungs beforehand and just draw it out; make it long enough to make home couch potatoes tilt their heads up a few degrees from their drunken (or moronic; that works, too) stupors.

Approach quickly (before the camera guy has a chance to give her the secret hand signal), to accomplish this sick little deed, knowing that you are acting on behalf of the betterment of the community. The next step is to peel off as rapidly as you can into the shadows, shooting clumps of turf grass into her astonished face. You quickly become invisible to all except in the memories of those watching the six o'clock news with their mouths agape. My, it's invigorating to watch an up-and-coming corporate tarball jump out of her skin on live TV. Sorta like watching Wile E. Coyote hit the anvil. Good fun. And triple bonus points for hitting a national news program, like the Today Show. Major acclaim is in order for anyone who can charge their way on to a pompous, condescending religious show like the 700 Club (watching Pat Robertson shit himself on a live broadcast after a filthy word bounces off the back of his neck might be considered the apex of existence to some). Try hard to not get shot. Or arrested.

Anyway, the working title for this stimulating little sidebar (surely, it needs a monthly magazine. Oh wait, that's a dying medium...) is "blitzfracking." Anybody have a better title?

Some might say this activity takes advantage of our Empty-American community. And, granted, there may be some truth to that claim. But ripe fruit is put there for the picking. When opportunity knocks, you want to be there to answer the door.