Friday, January 28, 2011

How To Watch Most Action Movies On Mute Or In Any Language

Protagonist is tough but flawed. He has a complicated relationship with the smart chick (and/or the ex). Protagonist and chick argue over stupid, meaningless shit all the friggin' time, but everybody in the audience (or on your couch, if you're at home) can see right through this manufactured tension. Bad guys show up (or if they were there from the beginning, they intensify). Bad guys fuck with everybody. Shit blows up. Protagonist and chick might jump out of the way of an explosion, just in the nick of time, in slow motion. Protagonist starts visibly agonizing a lot. Protagonist might, at some point, punch a wall out of frustration, because the fucking world just doesn't work as it should. It's just not fair, god damn it, as he bites his fist.

Protagonist chases the bad guys around. Bad guys chase Protagonist around. More shit blows up. Bad guys mess with Protagonist, nab him, and put him in a situation there's no way he can get out of (e.g.--Original "Star Trek" before every mid-show commercial), but he slips out anyway, mostly because dipshit Bad guys waited too fucking long to wipe him (sometimes because they are giving a speech about how devious and clever they are, a la Snidely Whiplash). Protagonist turns the table and nails the bad guys. Protagonist is still flawed, but a little nicer, even though he doesn't like to show it. The end.

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